learning to say no

So I sometimes have this problem with saying no to people. Especially at Metro, where I am daily confronted by women with sob stories about not knowing who is taking care of their children or that their brother got in a car accident or that they always get a letter from their mom every week and now it's been three weeks without hearing from her, etc. The bottom line is that these women want a phone call, and in order to get one, they have to convince a chaplain that they really do need one.

First of all, it's weird for me to have the power to grant or deny a woman a phone call, an everyday thing I can do whenever I want -- why should I be able to refuse someone something so simple as that? But also, I like feeling like I'm helping these women, and the times I do give phone calls, the woman is usually so appreciative and thankful, and I feel good for having given her the help she was seeking.

It's hard to say no. Especially when some of them will come up every single day and ask. I put myself in their place and I know that if I were a mother stuck in prison, of course I'd want to know where my children were and how they were doing and just be able to talk to them and tell them I love them.

We're really not supposed to grant phone calls unless it's an emergency, and even then, we have to give the woman specific guidelines:
- stay on the topic regarding the emergency
- do NOT talk about money
- hang up when I say it's time
- if you break any of these rules, I will hang up for you

They sound strict and mean, but with so many women at the prison, and with them constantly playing games to get through the "system," it's necessary to stick to those rules as closely as possible. I've definitely been played before. Just today I was supposed to give a woman a phone call so she could ask about her baby that she had give birth to just a month earlier. As soon as she got on the phone, she did nothing but talk about gossip about her family and her hometown. I don't even think she asked about her baby -- I'm sure she did, but it most definitely wasn't the focal point of the conversation.

Every now and then, however, I have absolutely no problem saying no. I spoke with a woman recently who said she normally calls her mother two or three times a day (from the phone on her range, which only dials incredibly expensive collect calls and only dials approved land line numbers and only stays connected to each call for 15 minutes). So this woman's mother got a new phone number a couple weeks ago, and since each woman's approval list for phone and visitation only gets updated once every six months, she didn't have the new number approved yet and wanted me to let her call her mother.

me: So, let me get this straight -- you're used to talking to your mother two or three times a day, but for the past two weeks you haven't been able to do that, right?

her: Yes.

me: And you want a phone call so you can talk to her?

her: That's right.

me: And on top of all this, you're getting out of prison in a month?

her: Yep.

me: Are you kidding me???!

Okay, so I didn't say that last part, but I did tell her that I knew several women who haven't been able to contact their families in months, some even years, and that her case just wasn't that serious. That's probably the first time I've told a woman no and not felt bad about it. I mean, come on, talk about someone who probably needs this last month to be independent from her mother!

So I guess it isn't always hard to say no, but I still struggle with it a lot. I wonder how this could reflect my future in being a pastor at a parish. What kind of issues will be raised that I will have the power to say no to, and when should I say no, and when shouldn't I? I think part of the issue is just having the power over letting someone have a phone call or something I take for granted, you know? So maybe it won't be so bad in the church. I can dream anyway...